Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Deep thoughts on such a sunny day

I keep trying to get to my blog and something happens and I get pulled away!

A few updates (with no hyper links because... um, I am too lazy):
  • No word on the job yet, they are to make a decision sometime this week. But if this one doesn't pan out I have a couple more prospects so I won't freak out too much.
  • Husband still gone. He is to make a decision this week and tell me this weekend what he wants. So, my life is limbo until he tells me what he wants. More on this in a minute.
  • Passport applied for, haven't received yet. But they cashed my check already, so that has to be a good sign, right?!?!
  • The tulips and daffodils have bloomed!!!!! IT'S SPRING!!!!!! Thank GOD!

So, my husband tells me that he will let me know this weekend what he wants to do. I am typically not a dependent person, I am very independent and can stand on my own two feet. But, I also enjoyed being married and having someone in my life that I thought was going to be there for me too. It hurts because I opened myself up to him and trusted him. I trusted that he would always be there for me and love me for as long as we were on this earth. I made it very well known that I had said for 10 long years that I would never get married again. That I didn't believe in marriage any longer. He came into my life and changed that. I gave him my heart and soul and my trust that he wanted the same things. It hurts me deeply to know that he may not have. He says it is not me, I am a wonderful wife and he loves me very much. He says that he just wants to be alone, not be responsible for anyone, not answer to anyone, to do what he wants, when he wants. I find this selfish and have asked him many times, why couldn't you of figured this out BEFORE we got married 10 months ago. He agrees. He doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't want to make me cry. He doesn't want to hurt the kids. If he didn't he wouldn't of done this. Its very hard for me to understand and be understanding. I am trying. I am trying to be patient. So, in all fairness, that is why he said he will decide by this weekend. He has a lot to think about apparently. I have the divorce decree written and ready. If that is the route he decides I will be heartbroken but I will go on. I will survive and make it. I will be whole again, I know this. I have been through it before. I just never, never thought I would be going through it again.


Kellan said...

I know you are hurt and broken hearted and I am too, for you - this makes me so sad. It sounds like you are trying to be strong and be reasonable and logical and that is good - I hope you remain strong - you are very special. Take care and I am sorry you are going through this - really!

See you soon - Kellan

Shelley said...

You know what's really pissy about this? Why does he get to have this "I need to find myself" thing? It just blows me away that a man can just decide, oh...I guess I don't want this anymore. Meanwhile, you have responsibilities and children and a house and you're looking for a job...God, men are such babies. I'm sorry, but I'm really kind of annoyed with him on your behalf, and I don't even know him. Big hugs...

onthegomom said...

Kellan - thank you for your supportive thoughts and prayers, they mean so very much to me. You are such a sweetheart.

Shelly - You crack me the hell up. You speak what is truly in my head, that I don't let out very often. I was like HELL YEA, when I read your comment. THANK YOU, I needed that sooooooo much!

Stacie said...

keep thinking,
everything happens for a reason.

there must be SOME reason that this is happening to you even if it hurts right now.

My thoughts are with you and hope that whatever the decision you are happy!

Cecily R said...

I'm so sorry...

Things will work out. I know it. Even if they don't work out the way you think you want them to...

I'll be thinking of you!