And I'm backkkk

After a year and a half break (probably much, much longer), I've decided to come back to my blog.  I've missed it.

I did remove almost all pictures and want to keep my family protected from the evils of the Internet, so no real names or anything still.

A LOT has changed in my life and I'm super excited for this next chapter in my life.

I'm ready!

I'm Sick. The End.

OH and I am sick. :(

Cough, sinusitis, asthma - all rolled up in a big, nasty, hairy ball inside of me wrecking havoc on what should be my life.

Not to mention what this horrendous cough is doing to my Mommy Bladder. Enough said.

More bitching... that's all I do.

There is a saying, "there is ordering badly and then there is not ordering at all". I think I always order BADLY. But at least I order. Right now I think nothing is really "right".

My job is a mess... in 2 months time, my boss (whom I loved) was demoted, then 4 weeks later was fired, then 4 weeks later our company was acquired and tons of changes. Now it's a mess and I'm not happy at all there. I am actively looking. I want to move but don't know how to go about getting it done. I want to move some place fabulous.... like New York City or something uber cool like that. I just don't know how to achieve it. I also want a major job change - something radical. How does one do that?!?

My marriage is just blah - it's been the same thing for 2 years and I'm over thinking about it and worrying about it. It's a LOT of work to keep working on it and not ever knowing where it's going.

My grandparents (LOVE THEM) but they are driving me batty. I love them and am so thankful that I still have them in life at the age of 40. But wowza, she calls me daily to tell me what ails her (they are numerous) and goes into detail and then goes heads first into what's going on with my grandpa. With more details.

Oh and I need to LOSE. WEIGHT. Seriously, people. It's sick. I'm so far gone, I have to make a serious change. SERIOUS.

So, it's all crap but I have to find the good. I can't sit around and bitch all the time. I need to start picturing me achieving success and seeing myself making major changes and then doing it. It's all in the power of positive thinking. I have to make it happen or I will forever be sitting here bitching about how it never did. I have to formulate a plan and get some real energy behind it.

More to come...

Bah Humbug

I have caught a case of severe bah humbug's. I think it is because I am much shorter on cash this year, than any other. It's depressing. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not about what you give it's about who you are with. But I have to say it over and over and even I'm getting tired of hearing it.

My job has been another source of stress for me, I have loved my job since I started it almost 3 years ago. Then about 2 months ago, all hell broke loose. My boss was first demoted beginning of Nov, then a month later, fired. It has caused a lot of havoc and uncertainty. It's also been a time of a lot of change in a short span. it's a lot to take in. That has not helped.

My husband and I are still not stable and I am back to square one - questioning if I should stay in a marriage that is so unstable and rocky. I need to face my fears and stand on my own to feet and just cut the ties. That is what my head says. My heart is scared.

I'm almost done with school. That is the really great thing. I have 6 classes left, I will be done by June 2011. I am so excited. After I finish, I am seriously contemplating just continuing on with my same school and getting my Masters, while I have momentum. Then I can truly say I am done.

Just so many things on my mind right now and I needed a place to just vent and get it out there. One of my 2011 goals is write a lot more often and get back into my blog. It's 3 years old and I have neglected it for about a year. I do read all the blogs I follow though, I read them from my phone, I just don't comment very much. I hope every one's holiday's are treating them well and everyone is ending 2010 with a bang!

A Cool Giveaway!

The gals over at Hillbilly Chicks is giving away an awesome cookbook by Gooseberry Patch. Check out their site and sign up for the giveaway here.

Settling In

I am pretty happy in our new place. It's so quite and just the perfect size for my daughter and I. My (almost) 17 yo son pretty much stays with his brother in our hometown (about 20 minutes away). I can say about 75% of the boxes are put away and organized... but we still have some work to do.



The topic of discuss in these here parts (Iowa) is FLOODING. I am in no danger whatsoever but a few of my friends have had some issues.... one it looks like an earthquake hit her backyard - half her yard sank about 5 feet. The other friend has a major river that is rising and is about 2 houses away from his.

On the Move AGAIN

So I am moving. Again. I've been in our beautiful, wonderful townhome a year. However my marriage just couldn't make it. So in lieu of not being able to afford this place myself, my daughter and I are moving. Again. (Oh, I said that already...) We have a pool here, huge back yard that's like a park, 2 play grounds and a sand volley ball court and kids for my daughter to play with. And we are moving to another, smaller townhome...which I wanted it to be smaller, the place we are in is way to big for just her and I, so that's good, but we have no amenities, it's in a beautiful townhome community and I'm excited for the house itself, just not leaving all the "stuff" this one has. I am rambling and not forming coherent sentences at all.

So I will end with, I want to marry Neil from SYTYCD, yes he's half my age and I could probably technically be his mother, but I don't care, I love him. ROAR.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day everyone! Hope all you mom's are having a splendid day. I had a great weekend being with all my kiddos. Today I am enjoying some quiet ME time, which I savor. :) Yesterday spent almost all day with my 20 year old son, his girlfriend, my 16 year old son and my 12 year old daughter. Today my daughter is shopping with her friend and both of my sons went back to my oldest son's apartment. This evening my daughter and my 16 yo will be home and we will have a low key evening, me just enjoying them!

However you decide to celebrate, I hope it is a great one!

Happy New Year (30 days late)

I am trying to learn how to make a post from my phone! I live under a rock so its my first attempt :).

I've been busy with work and trying to keep whatever sanity I have intact. Not an easy task let me tell you!

Plus I've been buried underneath about 3 feet of snow since the first of December. So anything we do we have to take that into consideration as well.

Now that I've figured out how to post from my phone I might post more than once every 3 months!

Grandparents

My grandparents are moving back to our area today. To say I am excited is an extreme understatement. I love my grandparents sooo much and am very thankful that at almost 40 I still have both of them. They are 86 and 85 and still live very much independently. They moved one state away to be closer to my uncle and to live a little more south for easier weather. This was 8 years ago. Their daughter, my mom, myself, and my two sisters and all of our families are up here. They decided that they wanted to spend as much time with us as they could and they also wanted to down size. So they are moving to a senior apartment complex in my hometown and I could not be more excited. They will be rolling into town tomorrow afternoon and we will spend all day moving them in and getting them set up. It has been raining the last two days, so I hope the skies clear. If not, it would still be worth it!

It's the little things...

Is it sad when you think you have accomplished *something* when you actually take a shower AND shave your LEGS? That's how I feel today, folks. Whew, don't have to think about that again for awhile!

Fall and Football!

I love fall! It is my favorite season. Since I am in the midwest we are lucky to have all four seasons. We get hot hot in the summer and cold cold in the winter. But Fall is that wonderful time of year when during the day it can be in the 70's and down to 50 at night. I love the morning and the crisp air. I love fall decorations and fall colors. Ahhh, I LOVE it's almost October!! <3

I also love fall because it's FOOTBALL season baby! I have spent the whole day today watching football with my 16 year old son. Pure heaven!

What I have been busy doing...

Here is what I did last weekend:

It was very yummy! I tried to duplicate Yin and Yang from the Melting Pot. It's white chocolate and mild chocolate fondue - swirled together. MMMMM good.

2 months sure does go by fast!

Well, we are all moved! Although we only moved 25 miles away, it seems a lot longer. I love our new place!!! We are in a townhome, in a townhome community. It's like a park in our backyard! We have a pool, sand volleyball, 2 playgrounds, picnic benches and grills... all about 20 steps from our back door. It's really nice. My daughter has gotten a ton of use out of the pool already and this is only our second week here.

It's going well with the husband and I. It's been an adjustment living together again and it hasn't all been rays of sunshine but for the most part it is great being back together. Marriage is work and when you are alone you don't have to work on anything if you don't want to :)

Our summer so far went from 60's and raining to BAM 90's and muggy, hot and shitty. Since I hate the heat, I wasn't thrilled.

Must run now, but will be back soon!

Life in the fast lane

Finally good news to report. The year long separation is coming to an end. My husband and I are going to get back together. It's been a very long year and it's been very hard on my emotionally, mentally and physically. I think it's been hard on him too, that's what he says. I believe him. It's been a year filled with sadness, a few happy times, despair, a few positives, ups and downs like no other. About 2 weeks ago, we had a heart to heart (right at the time of of our 1 year separation anniversary) and all of a sudden it was like a light bulb went on inside his head where he figured out this was it, he was going to either have me forever or lose me. I think that shook him. We have spent the last week analyzing our entire relationship and taking it step by step. It has been great so far. We both want this very much and both are willing to go the extra mile to be together again. We will be together again in June and I am happy.

Please stop this ride so I can get off

I am sure this will turn into a garbled mess before I am done. I have so many thoughts going through my head I feel like I could go crazy. In no particular order. In bulleted form, to somewhat ease the pain of the garbbledness (and yes spellcheck I just *know* that this is a word, so there!).

• So, it has really effected me that one year later I am in the same place I was last year. It will be exactly one year tomorrow that my husband and I have split up. And I am the same fucked up mess I was a year ago. One thing that has gotten under my skin is an acquaintance friend of mine and her husband split up almost at the same exact time we did and both her and her ex-husband are REMARRIED! Not that I want to be remarried, cuz I don't but OBVIOUSLY they have both moved on and they don't find themselves sitting here going, "well shit what has changed in a years time??"
• Still cry - check
• Still love my husband - check
• Still hate that we are separated - check
• still want to be with him - stupid dumb check
• Sits and asks herself each and everyday why she can't move on and lead a normal life - BIG FAT check
• Wonders if she needs to go back to the dr. and talk to her about changing her medication because it isn't working *obviously* - CHECK and CHECK and CHECK
• Wants to run away but thank god has her kids so she doesn't - check.

I hate april 4th.

Hope

Today I have hope. I don't want to say it out loud what is going on for fear of jinxing it. I just have hope that I thought I had lost.

Have you seen my....?

It's very apparent I have WAY too many things on my mind and not a enough cells to accommodate these 'things'. I went to my husbands apartment on Saturday to drop off some things I had accumulated and needed to give to him. Since my daughter dances on the same side of town he lives I stopped by after I dropped her off at dance. Our boat is stored in the town I live in until we decide what we are doing with it. So, he says will you take a check to the boat rental place (exactly 3 blocks from where I live) on your way home. I said, "sure" cheerfully. So, he puts the check in my purse. Easy schmeesy, right?

Not for this dumb ass. I go and pick up my daughter from dance. I get the check out of my purse (MISTAKE #1) and hand it to my daughter (MISTAKE #2) and say don't let me forget to take this to the boat rental place on our way home. She says, "sure" cheerfully. On our way home we stop by our house (MISTAKE #3) to get the mail and I run inside (MISTAKE #4 - do you see a pattern here?) to grab something. And we go home...

Yes, we went HOME. Uh, forgot about the check AND LOST IT. My husband texts me the next morning and says "did you get the check to the boat place okay". I freaked the f*ck out. Shit shit shit. I looked all over for that check and couldn't find it. I got the distinct pleasure of telling my husband that I managed to lose a check in ONE 25 minute drive from point A to point B. I suck

Hell Week

This is how I spent my time this week:

1. Daughter had the flu - passed it to me - passed it to middle son. Oldest son escaped somehow.
2. My step-son's house burnt down. Yes, burnt down. It was horrible. They are all safe and okay, thank god. But they lost everything. His mom's car was parked in the garage and caught on fire, which by the time she figured it out the garage was engulfed in flames. It's a horrifying experience.
3. My dad was downhill skiing Friday night (he is very active, in great shape, and is 62). They were on their last run and he fell (not sure if he passed out or what, since it was an easy hill and he is good at skiing) and hit his head pretty hard. He was disoriented, they rushed him to the local hospital and did a CAT scan and found blood on his brain. So they then rushed him to the state university hospital and did another CAT scan and there was no more or less blood on his brain, so they think it's a concussion. He came home yesterday afternoon and sounded good on the phone.

It's been a hellish week. On top of an ongoing divorce, being freaking broker than broke, kids, work - now all this. I am just so thankful that everyone ended up okay after this hellish week.

The Three T's

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I will deeply regret this tomorrow...err... later THIS morning when I have to get up and go to work. Won't be pretty folks.

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I think at the end of the month I will be going to New Jersey for work. It will only be a day or two but I am excited to travel again. I use to travel all the time for work but then it got to be too much and it was hard on the kids. With this job my travel requirements are pretty few and far between, which is good. I am just happy for a change of scenery and no one will be calling me mom for a couple of days!!

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I've got to finish up my taxes and get them sent it. How does one get a huge chunk of money back from federal but owe a couple of hundred to state? I am stumped so I haven't submitted them yet. I still think I am missing something or made a grave error that isn't showing up yet. I am a little paranoid about it. That's on my agenda to finish up tomorrow night.

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Well, I am off to bed, I have bored myself tired.