On the Move AGAIN

So I am moving. Again. I've been in our beautiful, wonderful townhome a year. However my marriage just couldn't make it. So in lieu of not being able to afford this place myself, my daughter and I are moving. Again. (Oh, I said that already...) We have a pool here, huge back yard that's like a park, 2 play grounds and a sand volley ball court and kids for my daughter to play with. And we are moving to another, smaller townhome...which I wanted it to be smaller, the place we are in is way to big for just her and I, so that's good, but we have no amenities, it's in a beautiful townhome community and I'm excited for the house itself, just not leaving all the "stuff" this one has. I am rambling and not forming coherent sentences at all.

So I will end with, I want to marry Neil from SYTYCD, yes he's half my age and I could probably technically be his mother, but I don't care, I love him. ROAR.

Please stop this ride so I can get off

I am sure this will turn into a garbled mess before I am done. I have so many thoughts going through my head I feel like I could go crazy. In no particular order. In bulleted form, to somewhat ease the pain of the garbbledness (and yes spellcheck I just *know* that this is a word, so there!).

• So, it has really effected me that one year later I am in the same place I was last year. It will be exactly one year tomorrow that my husband and I have split up. And I am the same fucked up mess I was a year ago. One thing that has gotten under my skin is an acquaintance friend of mine and her husband split up almost at the same exact time we did and both her and her ex-husband are REMARRIED! Not that I want to be remarried, cuz I don't but OBVIOUSLY they have both moved on and they don't find themselves sitting here going, "well shit what has changed in a years time??"
• Still cry - check
• Still love my husband - check
• Still hate that we are separated - check
• still want to be with him - stupid dumb check
• Sits and asks herself each and everyday why she can't move on and lead a normal life - BIG FAT check
• Wonders if she needs to go back to the dr. and talk to her about changing her medication because it isn't working *obviously* - CHECK and CHECK and CHECK
• Wants to run away but thank god has her kids so she doesn't - check.

I hate april 4th.

Trying to think of title that's not depressing (obviously I couldn't...)

So, I have spent the last 48 hours trying to catch up on reading every one's posts. Why I haven't blogged and read anything for 5 months is really beyond me. I think I needed a reality break or something like that.

My husband and I are in the process of finalizing our divorce. He has been gone almost a year... hard to believe (no hyper-links because I am wayyyyyyy to lazy for that, I mean I just started posting again!) It is just time to move on. The sad part is taking off my ring. I mean there is a MARK on my finger where it has been for 2 1/2 years (including the engagement period). So that part sucks. I'm mostly just void of feeling. Mostly. I really don't know how someone moves on after something like this. I mean I have moved on before... I have been divorced before and exited a long term relationship. But geesh, those were easy compared to this.

I have laundry all over my dining room floor. It's clean. I haven't put it away. Why, I don't know. If anyone came over to visit I would die. I mean seriously... all over the dining room floor. Did I mention I am only half moved, so I don't have my dining room table here yet. Yea, just clothes on my floor from this weekend's massive laundry doing fest.

The last month or so I have been watching my ex husbands dog when he has stuff to do or goes to his girlfriends house. OMG... I luuurrrvvee this dog. Seriously. She is so cute. She has floppy ears and piercing eyes that just dance. Then she pooped on my living room floor. Yea, she is on suspension right now.

I better head off to bed. Tired and getting a headache. I shouldn't drink so much organic white tea.

5 Months probably too long

I think a 5 month hiatus is probably long enough. I have no excuse really. Other than just daily life and having no desire to do anything other than exist and take care of my kids. I just read over a few of my posts from the past year and yea, nothing has changed. I think that hit me like a lead brick. I need to change that.

An update of sorts since the last time I have been here.

1. We moved. We are in a brand new 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo and I love it. I still have the house and we haven't gotten everything out of it but all essentials are here.

2. My middle son changed high schools and is living with his dad during the week so he can go to school in a town right next to where I live (like 5 minutes away). So that has been a big adjustment but it has done wonders from him, he really likes his new school. His other school had 5 suicides in it in 5 months... big problems going on and I am so glad he got out.

And everything is just about exactly the same since last Sept! Sad but true. Still separated from my husband, absolutely no changes there. We are moving towards divorce not reconciliation. It would have to take a LOT to achieve that.

My daughter is still dancing and she is growing up so fast. She just turned 11 and is growing up by leaps and bounds, scary actually.

My oldest just turned 19 and it is quite concerning to be a mother of a almost NOT teenager! Which means the year he turns 20, I turn 40...holy shit where did the time go.

My middle one will be 16 this Sept and that means another driver in my home. Hard to believe.

I'm still at the same job and I still love it. It has been almost a year and it has flown by..

I miss stuff

I really miss reading every one's blogs. I miss knowing what's going on and who's' doing what. It sucks. I am up tonight doing my homework. We had a big group project due Tuesday and we needed to have out stuff turned into tonight to our group so we can compile it tomorrow. Fun Stuff.

So today on my agenda of stuff to complain about... my marriage. So, i am pretty sure my marriage is over. I hate typing that out. I hate saying it. I hate thinking it. I HATE taking my ring off. I love my ring. It's so pretty and everything I ever wanted in a ring. This month marks the 6 month of living apart. We have grown comfortable in our distance and it really is getting farther and farther each day. We just don't see eye to eye on things and mostly him...he can't compromise or adjust. It's sad because the biggest part of me is sad because I am a failure again. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that. Seriously, how am I ever going to be in a relationship again with this? Not that I want a relationship but realistically speaking, I am sure someday I will want one...and what then? The ring and 2 time loser is what makes me the most upset...not necessarily losing the husband. Hmmmmm, something to ponder.

I have been reading some posts of all of you here and there, I haven't commented much, but I am trying to stay in touch. I MISS ALL OF YOU!

Stuff that is hard

So, I haven't posted in 2 days cuz today was a really, really hard day. I am not quite ready to talk about it yet. No, I am not divorced YET but I found out a few things today that made me become the psycho b*tch, I really, really didn't ever want to become.

After things calm down OR come to a head...whichever HE decides, I will write a follow up post. But right now things are just too raw, too emotional and just too much.

(there are a lot of really's in this post)

Happy Day!!!!

I got 5 inches cut off my hair... see --->

We went shopping and spent A LOT of money :-) My daughter got some of the cutest stuff eva!!! I will have to post some pics of her outfit when we have a few minutes.

Coming up this week... mani/pedi for me, me, me ,me..... cuz I am all about making myself better.

No real word from the husband, except that he is moving into his apartment today and he came over to get a few things... but I wasn't home. YEA! But my middle son was and they talked for a bit and it was all okay. I got this text message from him: "I'm sorry for so much, please know I feel the same way you do and love you with all my heart." Um... with all his heart... but not enough to be MARRIED TO ME or LIVE WITH ME. Apparently, he is the only freakin' one to see that there is something extremely wrong with that. But whateva!!!!!

Well I am off for a girls night out again with my sister and mom. YEA ME.

peace out.

One step forward, Two steps back

Today was definitely one of those days. I feel powerless and hopeless. I feel frozen inside. It's hard for me to get going. I have basically been doing just enough for myself and the kids to survive. Today I feel like one step forward, two steps back. I know tomorrow is a new day and I will beat this and come out the winner and he will be the loser. I am DETERMINED to have that outcome.

I have decided that I am not going to contact him. I usually email him or text him, just small things. Like we use to when we were together. But today I am going back to high school and I am not going to contact him. If he contacts me, it will depend on what he says if I respond. I need to make myself move "away" from him. I need to distance myself emotionally and mentally away from him. So, this is the only way I can think of to do that. I feel like I am 16 again... gawd.

He is putting his money down on his basement apartment today and moving some of his belongings tonight. Then this weekend he is moving the rest of stuff. GET THIS!!!!!! He said to me yesterday, "Can all of you be gone Saturday so I can come get my stuff without having to see any of you or face anyone?" I said, "UH NO, you are being a coward, you decided this and you can face the music just like I do EACH AND EVERY DAY" I couldn't friggin' believe it. What a baby.

Some good news - I have my hair appointment on Saturday, I can't wait. Even though I have no job, or no husband. I am going. And I am going to charge it on his credit card, just cuz I can (Hello, high school days?). Then I got money from my dad for my birthday and I am going to get a pedicure and manicure. Cuz I wanna. Also this weekend my mom is taking my daughter and I shopping for clothes for London. So, that should be fun. Considering my daughters favorite thing to do is shop, she will be pleased.

I am feeling better now. I started off this blog pretty depressed and really unable to get going. Now I feel energized and better.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Yesterday was my birthday and now today is my 10 month anniversary. I cannot wait for May to get here tomorrow.

I promise that I will not continue to whine about this stupid frickin' divorce much longer. But at the moment it's the only thing on my mind and it's kind of overwhelming.

I went to dinner last night with my husband, which was his idea. It was pleasant. I had NO expectations going into this dinner at all. Just a meal for my birthday. Which was a smart thing to do. He cried most of the time, I didn't. He is sad. BUT still wants to go through with all of this. Thinks there is no hope for us. Believe me, I have mentioned many, many solutions that do not include divorce and him leaving but nope, he knows this is the only way to solve "HIS" problems. I got no gift, no card, no nothing. But a few tears, a nice Mexican meal and a definitive answer on our failed relationship.

In further good news... I have no job still. The last place that I interviewed with THREE friggin' times... said they would call either way. Yea, no phone call at all. Is that rude or am I expecting too much? I would of liked to of known at least why they went with another candidate. I think that's only polite. But whateva. I have had two interviews this week and I am excited about them. I will keep plugging away and pray something comes along very soon.

Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes, they really do help me and keep my spirits up at this extremely crappy time in my life. It will get better, I know it. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The One Where I Sing Happy Birthday to Myself.

Ya say it's your birthday... Da da da da da daaaaaa...it's my birthday toooooo!

So, this has turned into a listening to onthegomom whine about her impending divorce blog. I promise it won't last forever. Just a few more whiny days.

My husband called me right at midnight to tell me Happy Birthday. I was pretty shocked. He also told me he loves me so very much. He also asked me to go to dinner with him tomorrow. So now I am a f*cked up mess. I want to believe him. I am going to go to dinner with him because I really want to. Even if it means I will come away hurt and reeling, I still want to. Again... my head is spinning (and I pretty sure it's not the Absolut Citron Vodka in my Diet Coke that is causing it. Pretty. Sure.).

Who's Bitter... NOT me!

I stayed out until 1 AM last night!!!! I felt like I was 25 again :-) I went to dinner with my mom and sister, then we went to a casino but not to gamble but to see a friend of ours band play, but then I don't think it was their band but we had fun anyway and before we knew it, it was ONE AM!!!!!!! I ROCK!

Talked to my husband on Friday night. Short version: he thinks the best thing for us (i.e. him) is to get divorced. Long Version: He just doesn't think he can do it anymore, he's never actually lived on his own, for himself, without responsibility, he wants to just do what he wants when he wants and how he wants. Ummmmm, okay. So you couldn't of thought of that, oh say... a mere frickin' 10 months ago?!?!? Who in the hell doesn't want NO responsibilities... but omg, that is part of life you selfish a$$hole. (I told you the anger phase was about to hit). I am so pissed off at myself (which I know is dumb) that I trusted him, let my guard down, I let him inside... you know the part that is vulnerable and you only let people you truly love and trust know and see... yea THAT part. And he basically ripped it apart and tore it down. I just hope someday its repairable... who wants to be alone for the rest of their life?!? Not me. It will take a LONG time to heal, though, if ever.

I don't want to be a bitter, lonely old lady. So, I am determined to buck up and move on and show him just what the f*ck he is missing. A$$HOLE!

Also for added joy, my birthday is in two days. Happy Frickin' Birthday....... here's your divorce!!!

Not for the light hearted

WARNING: SAD, SH*TTY POST BELOW!

I am getting Divorced. I am going to be a twice divorced loser. I believe I am entering the angry stage of mourning. I've been sad for oh about 2 months, been calm, been respectful but now anger is starting to pick up speed. Should be fun. Stay tuned.

I think after I am a little calmer (read: I have some wine with dinner tonight with my mom and sister). I will fill you in on the details.

DIVORCED?!? Can you believe it? No, I can't either. F*CKER.